17. The Boys Are Back In Town...

17.

The Boys Are Back In Town...

My friend Nathan came down to Melbourne for the weekend from Sydney. He used to live in Melbourne for a while and we worked together in a call centre for a few months and then he decided to have a change of scenery and try out living in Sydney. Anyway, what me and Nathan like to do is get very, very drunk together. Pretty much every Friday night we would hit the pub and then the city after a long week at work, often we would ask to leave work early, be told "no" by our boss and then just run out of the office and down to the pub when he had his back turned. We would get a bit of a telling off or a stern look on Monday, but nothing too serious...thankfully. 

 So Nathan and I felt compelled to keep up the tradition this Friday and got completely annihilated once more. It turned out to be a pretty good night on the whole, I finished work early (bonus), bumped into old work mates in the pub, socialised with new ones, had a laugh and got very drunk. We then ventured out to Brunswick St and met up with some of Nathan's friends. I'm not too sure what we did after this, all I recall is that we had several shots, a Kinder Suprise and a KFC, and then stumbling in around 5.30am and not resurfacing until well into the afternoon on a Saturday.  Good times. God help us when we go to Bali together in a few weeks time, we have 11 full days of this to look forward to. 

These are the kind of states we get in.

It's our anniversary on Tuesday. Me and our Peg have been together for 2 whole years now, that's a bloody long time isn't it? Gone really quickly too. It seems so weird that 2 years have passed by already. In many ways we know each other very well and in others we're still just getting to know each other. It's a bit strange because we've both come from very different backgrounds. Well for starters we are two different nationalities, then there's the different school systems we went through, the cultural/social differences, the TV shows we watched as kids, the holidays we've taken whilst growing up, etc. There's so many differences when you date someone from another country as opposed to dating a fellow English person. She's never watched Live & Kicking, or Rosie and Jim! But then I'd never heard of Blinky Bill or The Wiggles until I'd met her. I think it keeps it a bit fresh and exciting, because you're constantly learning new things as you go along. 

Our daily routine. One before breakfast, one after.

I know these blogs tend to be quite sporadically posted and never really have a consistent theme or nature to them, and for this I apologise.  I've recently been thinking of starting to write actual Travel Blogs / Reviews. The Lonely Planet now pays $100 for each travel post they receive that they use on their website or even in their travel books. It does mean I will have to conform to a stricter format and keep the rants more contained, as well as the profanities, but it is a great feeling putting down your thoughts and opinions in text and having other people take the time out of their day to read them and appreciate them, it's the ultimate complement in my opinion. So if you're reading this, I am eternally grateful to you. You big dickheads. 

I had an epiphany the other day in work. I was sat on one of the massage chairs (yeah that's right we have free massage chairs in my office) and I was thinking of how a certain smell can remind you of a certain place or person, for instance the smell of coconut reminds me of skiing in Italy because I used coconut scented sunscreen when I was there, or the smell of Diesel White aftershave takes me back to being 14 in High School, when I used to cover myself in it so I didn't smell like cigarettes. So it got me thinking, wouldn't it be good if one day you could 'Tag' a scent to a picture? I know it's been done for some of the specialist cinemas where they spray hot and cold water at the audience, have moving seats and release certain scents at certain times during the movie to make you feel more involved in what's going on and it becomes a more engrossing experience for the viewer. But what about bringing this experience to a broader audience. Add the smell of cider and smokes to those festival snaps? Essence of Tequila and Lime to the birthday cocktail picture album, or simply just the smell of burning charcoal to the family barbecue picture album? Just some food for thought. (see what I did there?)

I used to hate people who watched TV seasons. Well, not hate exactly...I just always thought there was better things people could be doing with their time. How wrong I was. I got right into Entourage and finished all 8 seasons in like 3 weeks (Ari Gold = Legend) and I've been making my way through House for some time now, but I have a new obsession, and I know I'm not the only one. Breaking Bad. Seriously how good is it? The concept is pretty unique, for those of you who are unaware it's about an over qualified high school science teacher who is diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, his wife is heavily pregnant and he has a disabled teenage son. To support his family he decides to start selling Crystal Methamphetamine he 'cooks' with one of his former students. The show switches from dark comedy to action thriller like no other and is, in my opinion, absolutely brilliant. I do strongly recommend it if you haven't already started watching. 

I was flicking through my pictures from travelling around India earlier and came across this one. I'd never really stopped and looked at it properly. It was taken in the holy city, Varanasi on the ghats of the river Ganges just after morning prayers. 

16. A Fijian Adventure

16. A Fijian Adventure...

So I went to Fiji for a week, and holy shit it was actually amazing. Here's a few extracts of a journal I kept whilst I was away...

The trip has been incredible thus far. We're staying at the exclusive island of Denerau. It's a gated community for people staying at either The Westin, The Sheraton, The Sofitel, The Radisson and The Hilton, and we have access to all the resorts. We were greeted at the airport by a traditional Fijian band who constantly shouted "Bula!" throughout their song. I've learned this is their word for pretty much every greeting, be it Hello/Good Morning/Good Afternoon/Good Evening, etc. It's also used for Cheers too. Our taxi driver gave us a brief bit of information on Fijian life and what is also known as 'Fiji Time'. I love and embrace this concept. It basically means that the people here don't really do things by the clock, more when they feel like doing it and this certainly suits me. Time seems to stand still on the island, which is great when you're here to chill out and relax. They really love to name things after their country here too, for example the main two beers are Fiji Bitter and Fiji Gold. There's also Fiji Water, Fiji Crackers and a whole variety of other Fiji 'branded' products. Interesting. 

We took part in a crab racing event at the hotel. It's a way of raising money for what they refer to as their 'special children'. Basically you bid for a crab that has been given a sportsman's identity and nationality and then every one races against each other. All the money goes towards paying for Christmas presents for underprivileged kids on the island and the winner gets a free cocktail from the bar. It was pretty fun and for a good cause, my crab was Bradley Wiggins, he didn't do as good as I'd hoped though, I'm fairly sure he came dead last.

There was a guitarist on as part of the hotels entertainment at the hotel last night, he was just going through the usual covers - Summer of 69, Knockin' On Heavens Door, that kind of stuff. Anyway, this oldish couple got up, easily in their 60's, and started having a dance. They were doing a bit of snazzy footwork and then next minute...BAM! He's picking her up and throwing her around like a rag doll doing all these professional lifts and spins. They were like Torville and Dean, only without ice skates. They must have been professional dancers when they were younger or something, there's no way you learn moves like that doing Zumba on a Thursday evening.

I have the great fortune of sometimes hearing my girlfriend say something hilariously funny first hand. It's generally something abstract, misinformed or just plain wrong. At the start of our holiday I read about Neil Armstrong passing and read the article to her which had a quote from the Armstrong family, which was along the lines of "next time you see the moon, look up and think of Neil and give it a wink". Walking through the grounds of our hotel one night I observed out loud that it was a full moon to which she replied "look up and give Lance a wink", and proceeded to wink at the moon. The smart arse in me couldn't resist. It was so simple. Handed on a platter. "you are aware Lance Armstrong is a seven time Tour De France winning cyclist and has never actually been to the moon, right?". Brilliant.

I went on a jet ski safari the other day. We had planned to do it the previous day but it was booked out. The previous day was glorious sunshine and 33degrees and when it was our day to take part it was cloudy and raining. It's safe to say we weren't all that impressed, but it turned out for the best. The flat ocean, good cloud cover and frequent rain showers cooled us down and ensured we didn't end up with a ridiculously uneven tan. We ventured out to 6 different islands - Malamala, Navini, Beachcomber, Treasure, Bounty and South Sea. We stopped off at Beachcomber island for an hour of snorkeling and a well deserved brew. I wasn't in high hope for the snorkeling but it turned out to be terrific. There was ample coral reef, heaps of multicoloured tropical fish and even a 4 foot reef shark. I got out soon after seeing this. Beachcomber is a singles party island, Bounty is a couples island and Treasure is a family island. Apparently you meet on Beachcomber, holiday together on Bounty and go back as a family to Treasure. And if it doesn't work out you start out again at Beachcomber.

Not far from our route on the jet ski safari was another island called Monuriki, this is where the film 'Castaway' was filmed, you know the one with Tom Hanks where he gets stranded on that desert island? Our guide also told us that the island is neighboured by Mamanuca island which is the home of a huge resort where Tom Hanks stayed during filming. The funny thing is that when they do the panoramic shot in the film, it shows there's nothing as far as the eye can see. In reality Tom could have doggy paddled across to the resort using Wilson as a floaty and it would only have taken about 10 minutes to swim it.

One thing I have come to notice during my time here in Fiji is that there are a huge amount of gay people on the island. I'm not homophobic or anything, just a general observation. The man who makes my coffee is proper gay, the guy with eyeliner and painted on eyebrows at the Hard Rock Cafe is definitely a left-footer, and easily half of the hotel staff are too. Maybe it's a cultural thing, I don't know. Just sayin'.

Visited another island today, this one is directly opposite our hotel and is only about 10 minutes in a boat. The Akuilau island is home to only one family who live off the land on the island and allow guests from our hotel to travel over and have a look around, as well as flogging them fresh fruits grown there. It was pretty good having a potter about the place, found a massive shell too, like the biggest one I've ever seen, I wouldn't like to see the size of the crab that used to live in it!

And there you have it, these are my brief journal entries whilst enjoying the wonderful Fiji. The blogs will become more frequent again now that I'm back. I've also just booked to go to Bali in just over 6 weeks so more travel news coming soon.

Thanks for reading. Or Vinaka as the Fijians say.

15. 

"When this baby hits 88 miles per hour..."

So I finally hit that 1000 views mark, took quite a while, but each blog is averaging around 75 views so that's not too bad seeing as it's only been going just over a month. Please introduce new people to it, like the Facebook Page, read it twice?

I've had a busy week, it was my first full week out of training in my new job. It went pretty well actually, it's like any job really, it has its ups and downs. What I quite like about this one is that I have external email access, so when  it's really quiet in the mornings I usually just sit and write my blog posts via email and send them to myself, so technically I'm getting paid to write now. Win! I do realise that I could be doing far more productive things, like learning the systems better or making myself more knowledgeable on our competitors, but I just can't be bothered to, this is far more enjoyable.

I was thinking on the train to work this morning how lucky I am to be born when I was. I was born in '89 and grew up in the age of the computer and the Internet. Throughout high school we used to use the likes of MSN Messenger and towards the end MySpace, but no where near to the level of today where everyone has Facebook, Twitter, Bebo, Google+, etc. I'm quite thankful these things only really took off when I was older and wiser to them. You hear stories in the news all the time about kids being bullied on the Internet, embarrassing photographs of people being put online and organising to crash house parties. I reckon I could have got in to some awkward situations when I was a bit younger had Facebook been as prominent as it is now. I also stumbled across one of the best groups on Facebook...ever! Some of you may be aware of this, it's called 'Embarrassing Night Club Photos Of The Week'. You should definitely check this out.

How good would it be to go back in time? I've always thought this would be an amazing thing to do. I'm not going to go into the logistics of whether or not this is a possible concept, it's too much effort. I'm simply referring to the idea of it. I've always thought it would be good to go back to the early 20th century Britain. I wouldn't want to go back too far, where there would be too much of a language barrier and I would want to go back as my modern day self. Pair of jeans, converse, printed tee on, iPhone in pocket with a deck of 20 Marlboro. Just to see what the reaction would be when I pulled out my phone to take a picture, or showing someone my Casio wristwatch and that it didn't have a dial AND it had a light on it! It's the small things that amuse me and it's this that makes me think it would be so much fun. Imagine if you could go back just 20 years in time. You could change the course of history, like Lou does in Hot Tub Time Machine. You could invent the things you know are going to be invented, plagiarise classic songs before they've even been written, invest in successful companies when they're start ups. The possibilities would be endless and hugely profitable. I'd probably do the world a favour and drown Jedward at birth. Madonna too?

The weather has started to pick up as of late, as a matter of fact I wore a t-shirt to work the other day, I was absolutely freezing because it was only like 16 degrees, but at least the sun was out. 

I went out with people from work on Friday for drinks and bowling. Every now and again the company takes a group of people out for nights out like these. Why is it I always manage to make a right tit of myself? I drink that little bit too much and end up in a bit of a state. I'm just waiting for someone to come up to me and say "Hey do you remember doing this..." and I won't have a clue what they're on about. They say you live and learn, but I never seem to do the learning part.

Since moving to Melbourne I have developed a taste for new foods. Our peg has always said that I've got a 'poor man's taste', she's nice like that. Well I think I may have done away with this aspect now. When I first got here I thought the food was really pretentious and wankerish. A good meal to me was a Weatherspoons fry up on a Sunday morning or a Toby Carvery roast. Alice took me to this breakfast spot called Porgie & Mr. Jones and the typical breakfast was 'smashed avocado on sour dough bread, free range poached eggs, thyme buttered mushrooms with slow cooked tomato and a side of bacon'. When I first saw this I was like "What is this? I just want a fat fry up and a brew". I must now admit that it's probably my favourite meal. God help me if I ever move back to England, I'll be forever turning my nose up at my mums full english and she would not like that,not one bit.

I'd just like to give my good friend Big Wash another quick mention. His stand up career seems to be going from strength to strength and is doing really well for himself thus far. Well done Sir, I'm proud of you. 

14. Danger, Danger...High Voltage!

14. 

Danger, Danger...High Voltage!

So I started my new job this week. I did a full weeks worth of training last week and now I'm out in the firing line. I won't lie it's a bit monotonous, but what call centre work isn't, right? It seems like a pretty decent company to be working for, good staff conditions, decent salary, etc, but at the end of the day...how exciting can it be supplying electricity to people? It isn't exactly the 'sexiest' industry to be in be involved in. 


I've learned quite a bit about the energy industry over the last week and a bit, and there's no way I would have bothered to learn a fraction of it unless it was my job. It got me thinking about things I've learned in life since I left school and how I may come to use these skills throughout the course of my life. I know a lot about current accounts, loans, interest rates, mortgages, etc from my time in banking, a useful thing to have. I know a lot about the telecoms industry from selling mobiles phones, frequencies of LTE networks, copper cabling and fibre optic. I now know about hydro-electricity, meter readings and carbon pricing. But forget all this nonsense. The thing I have learned that I shall cherish the most. The piece of knowledge every man yearns for. I know how to make a Big Mac. Boom!

I've ventured away from the Sherlock Holmes stories for a while because I was recommended a book by a lad I work with. It's called 'Killing Pablo' and is about the Colombian drug cartel Pablo Escobar. Some of you may have heard of him, especially if you watched Entourage (It's the film Vinnie Chase made called Medellín). It's a great read and documents the rise and fall of a man who made billions of dollars through drug trafficking and was responsible for thousands of murders throughout South America and the U.S.A. It's a great read so far and a fascinating story, I strongly recommend it.

Teddy, the new addition to the household, has been getting to know his new surroundings and exploring the place. Yesterday he got to know the fish pond a little bit more than he would have liked to and fell in head first, resulting in him looking like a drowned rat. See below. I do think he quite enjoyed the treatment he received afterwards though, being snuggled in a warm towel for an hour or so. Legend.

Only three more weeks until I venture off to Fiji. I can't bloody wait! Thinking of investing in a new lens for the camera before I head out there because the photography spots on the smaller islands are supposed to be fantastic. There'll be plenty of snapping taking place and I'll be sure to put some of the best ones on here for your viewing pleasure.


I was down the pub on Friday, having a few after work beers with some of my mates, and I decided to get on the Guinness. I've not had it for a while but I get a craving for it now and again. When I asked the young lass behind the bar for a Guinness and black she hadn't got the foggiest idea what I was going on about. I then proceeded to try and explain what blackcurrant cordial was, again to no avail. I promptly gave up, settling for a standard pint of the black stuff. It's time like this when I do feel properly foreign in Australia. I guarantee I could go to any drinking establishment back home and order the same drink without a bother, but if it ain't a 'pot' or a 'schooner' and it ain't lager, they ain't got a bloody clue, mate. Friggin' Aussies.


I'm heading up to Sydney at the weekend for my mate Nathans' 21st. If previous outings with him are anything to go off, it should be a pretty drunken night. I once challenged him to down a bottle of wine in under a minute. The gun did it in 21 seconds. I'll probably forget to mention it next week, so I'll give me a mention now. Happy birthday you big, lanky, southern piece of shit.




I'm still very much aggrieved to be missing out on the Olympics back home, I don't think I would have necessarily gone down to London, but I would have most definitely gone into Manchester or Liverpool and watched it on the big screens, or even down the local with everyone and felt a part of it. From what I read on Sky News or Facebook most people seem to be enjoying it and soaking it up back home, which I'm pleased about. A personal highlight as a spectator was seeing Bradley Wiggins sitting on a thrown after winning a gold medal. Just look at those side-burns!

Here his a transcript of a conversation I had with an Australian man over the telephone today. This was the first and last time of speaking to him.


MAN: "Yeah?"
ME: "Hi it's Daniel calling from Red Energy"
MAN: "Hey Dano, I've been waiting for your call"
ME: *slightly puzzled* "Oh yeah?"
MAN: "Yeah I've been waiting to tell you to get fucked mate!"


Got to love the gentrified old Australian blokes. To be fair he probably gets harassed by companies on a daily basis and I had it coming to me. 

Now I know I always write this, but I do actually mean it. If there's anything you would like to read about, see more of or you just have some general feedback about the blog, please don't be afraid to leave a comment telling me. There's the option to do so anonymously too.


Hudson Out.

13. Puppy love...

13. 

Puppy love...

Been a bit quiet on the Blog front this week. My apologies, I’ve been somewhat busy. So I’ve managed to secure myself a new full-time job working for an energy company right near where I used to work.  Tell you what, they didn’t half make me jump through a load of hoops to get the job! I hope it’s worthwhile. First it was the telephone interview, then a group assessment consisting of  2 group presentations, 2 role plays, 2 behavioral interview questions, 2 competency based questions, 2 mock calls, an online call centre simulation exercise and online behavioral assessment. Oh, and then 2 reference checks, one from Australia and another from the U.K. and then a full weeks worth of training. I’ll let you know how I get on.

In previous posts I have vented my anger and dislike for cooking. My culinary skills are terrible, and I have never had any desire to enhance them. Well that has kind of changed as of late. I always thought learning to cook was a pointless exercise, why do it when someone else can do it for you, right? Well I’ve had a slight change of stance on the situation and decided that I now quite like it. This week I have made spaghetti bolognaise for the wife and her family, Jamie Oliver’s Pea Soup, Spicy Shepperd's Pie and poached eggs with smashed avocado...all from scratch! Now I know that these aren’t exactly the most challenging or exciting of meals, but you have to start somewhere right?

I have still been making the most of my time away from working and reading a lot. I know I’ve talked a bit about it in the past too, but I just can’t get enough of the Sherlock Holmes novels and short stories. I couldn’t help but notice a lot of similarities between current TV characters and there behaviours, and that of Mr. Holmes & Dr. Watson. One that springs to mind straight away is that of Dr. House and Wilson in House M.D. House is the wild genius, testing out absurd methods of treatment and constantly overly analysing situations and motives, and has someone to pull him back into reality in the form of Wilson. It’s a very similar set-up in the Sherlock novels, with Sherlock being the wild, bohemian genius and Watson is there to try keep him in check. There’s also the comedy aspect of it, having two grown men living together domestically and behaving in the manner you may come to expect of a married couple, as well as pursuing wild adventures together. Also, there’s the drug use, the musical talent of House /Holmes.  I think I may have cracked a case of my own here. House is just a plagiarized version of Sherlock. Genius.

When I first started this Blog I would write down anything remotely interesting I have done each day and then email it to myself so I always had a record of what I’d done and where I’d been. But I forgot to do that this week, so it’s proving a little difficult to remember everything. My memory is terrible at the best of times so this is rather challenging. That’s proof in itself isn’t it? I forgot to write things down so I could remember them in the future? What a moron.

It's Soulja Boys birthday today. I know this because I googled 'celebrity birthday today' and found out. I thought I'd have a quick look to see what Soulja Boy is up to these days, he's been a bit quiet on the musical front lately. Apparently he has his own tablet now. Here's the android powered device which is mounting a 'challenge' against the Apple iPad. Hmmm Good luck with that. "Soulja Boy tell em".

I’m playing my second Futsal match this Sunday. I’ve been doing more running throughout the week to try and improve my fitness as I nearly coughed up a lung after last weeks game. Hopefully we’ll do a bit better than our 7-1 thrashing of last week!

I was reading in bed last night and our peg started to do a bit of sleep-talking. She does this from time to time and it’s generally just a word or two of nonsense and then she goes back to sleep. Last night was a little different we had a full blown conversation. I even made a video, but I think she’d kill me if I put that on here so here is a transcription of said conversation;

A: *incomprehensible mumble*

D: "Alice?"

A: "spaghetti and veg"

D: "spaghetti and veg?"

A: "mmmmm"

D: "what do you want for dessert?"

A: "erm...I dunno... I don't want dessert"

D: "do you want a cup of tea?"

A: *incomprehensible mumble*

D: "Alice?"

A: "what?!...Fuck Off!"

One of the features of using Blogger, the site which hosts my Blog is that it lets you know which country people are reading from. At the moment there’s people reading in the United Kingdom, USA, Australia, Russia, Japan and Germany. How good is the Internet? I can sit here in a small café in Melbourne, type about what’s going on and have people read about it on a completely different continent.

We have had a new addition to the household this week. Our maud’s sister got a new puppy. His name is Theodore Franklin Hicks, AKA Teddy and is a Tibetan Spaniel, here he is…

I’ve just realised today’s Blog doesn’t really include any funny anecdotes, well with the exception of the maud sleep talking. I’m going to put this down to me not writing what’s happened down this week, I’m sure some interesting and funny things have happened, I just can’t remember them. Well, I hope the Blog has still been somewhat interesting to you. As always, feedback is greatly appreciated. Hit me up with suggestions of things you would like to see on here.

Much Love.

12. Mixed Bag...

12.

Mixed Bag...

Hello there one and all. I don't usually Blog on a Sunday but I thought I'd make an exception to that rule today. God might want to have a day off, but I don't.

I went to some natural hot springs on Friday. Me and our peg got up at like 7.00am and drove there as we wanted to enjoy it when it wasn't too busy. It's pretty good to be honest with you, very picturesque, out in the middle of nowhere and pretty relaxing. Basically you just pop your swim shorts (or bikini) on, get a robe on and have a wander around the different pools that are there and chill out in them. I usually hate really hot water, like when you jump in the shower after your girlfriend and jump out with 3rd degree burns because it's a good 10 degrees hotter than it needs to be, but you get used to it. The water in the pools was between 36-42 degrees, and when you first get in there it does feel properly hot, but after that most of them feel around the same temperature. Well, that's what I thought until I got in the 42 degrees pool and got out looking sunburned from the waist down. 

After spending a couple of hours pottering around in my robe and thongs (flip-flops) it was off to go see the towns nearby. We visited a few seaside towns called Rye, Portsea and Sorrento, had a walk along the main streets and stopped for some fish and chips. Not really much going on in a small seaside town in the middle of Winter as it happens, unless you run in to the worlds most enthusiastic information guide. We spent a good 15 minutes in this wooden hut whilst she proceeded to tell us about the fantastic enchanted maze, local strawberry farms and the best place to see glass art and sent us on our way with no less than 7 brochures covering these activities. Enthralling stuff I assure you.

Today was my first game playing for my new 'Futsal' team. I don't know why it has been given a ridiculous name, it's just 5-a-side indoor football with a weighted ball. Well anyway, it turned out to be pretty good. I managed to set up our only goal as we got thrashed 7-1, it sounds pretty bad but to be fair we were playing the team that are top of the league and we had 4 new players. Better luck next time. 

Our peg has also decided that I don't have enough to do these days and has taken to writing me lists of things I must complete. It's bad enough when she writes me a shopping list for the supermarket, that usually takes me 20 minutes longer than your average woman to complete. Here it is.

Inspired by the LAD Bible I have added her a list at the bottom. I don't think she will appreciate it as she saw me with a pen and thought I was crossing things off the list she made for me, and proceeded to praise me. LAD. 

And finally, I was sat thinking on the tram the other day, and this is where I come up with my general rants against the world. My most recent in these rants is when people say; "There's nothing worse than that is there?", and it's generally about something that can be slightly annoying like toothache, or when a pen runs out. Is there really nothing worse than that? What about getting mugged? Or raped? Or marrying Tom Cruise? Surely they would be considered by most normal people as being worse? Next time you go to utter that sentence, why don't you actually take a second and think, is there really nothing worse than that?

Peace out girl scout.

11. Arty Farty...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

10. Elementary my dear...

Elementary my dear...

I've had a lot of shit to deal with this last week. And I mean that in a very literal sense. I looked through the back window the other day and spotted 4 ducks in the garden, and thought to myself "well isn't that nice, four little ducks, just wandering around the garden, minding their own business, having a dip in the pool". How wrong I was! I left the ducks to their own devices whilst I headed out for the afternoon, and upon my return found a garden full of duck shit. I then had the pleasure of spending the next 30 minutes with a brush and hose pipe clearing up the droppings produced from their bottoms. Inspired by this, I thought I would use my trusty friend, the Internet, to find ways of admiring ducks up close without the worry of having excrement spread everywhere. Ingenious.

I had a brief Skype encounter with my friends Stuart and Dave. It's quite hard to have a proper conversation when I was bog-eyed on a Sunday morning at 8.30am and they're chugging down their alcoholic beverages on a Saturday evening at 11.30pm, whilst trying to train their eyes and ears on Stuart's little iPod. I gave them a little treat by tucking my tail between my legs and unexpectedly showing them my 'mangina'. I think it's safe to say they thoroughly enjoyed it. If you're unsure as to what a 'Mangina' looks like, just Google it.


I've spent quite a bit of time reading this week and have just finished 'A Study in Scarlet' By Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the first of the Sherlock Holmes novels. I was intrigued to see how good the books are as I love the film adaptations by Guy Ritchie, and was pleasantly surprised. I had always heard people praise them, but a lot of people praise the likes of Billy Shakespeare. Now he's a clever enough bloke The Bard and he wrote a few plays and what not, but to be honest I don't have a clue what he's on about half the time. Some of the Sherlock stories were written when Queen Victoria was still on the throne and the Titanic was still afloat, so some of the language is a little different, but you get the gist of it and it makes for a very entertaining read. I imagine it's a bit better than that '50 shades' nonsense that's going about anyway.

I was out and about in the city again the other day, one of my favourite past times it would appear, and came across this bizarre display of artwork in a shopping centre. I couldn't find an explanation as to what it was, but it looked pretty cool. 

Because I have plenty of time on my hands these days, I tend to read a lot of news on the Internet to entertain myself and often come across stupid and weird stories, and today was no different. An item that made the 'Strange' section of the Sky News website was a story of a human domino chain in China. This was a world record breaking event in which 1001 people took part and involved standing in a line with a mattress and waiting to be knocked over. Now I know that I'm hardly an advert for productivity, but what the F is this all about? Click Here to watch.


I went for drinks with some of my old work colleagues at the weekend and after they had left I struck up a conversation with a man whom proceeded to tell me all about the 'art' of prostitution and where to find the best women. I had no knowledge in this area going into the conversation, nor did I wish to, but he insisted on bequeathing me with this information. I left feeling slightly more knowledgeable and very much disturbed.


Sha-ting!

9. Video Killed The Radio Star...

Video Killed The Radio Star...

So it’s been a somewhat uninspiring week. I’ve sat down at least 3 times to write this blog at home and keep getting distracted, so I’ve ventured out to a café for a coffee and a muffin in attempt to find some inspiration. And then I discovered they had free Wi-Fi here and have been distracted once more...



I watched Ted the other night. Now it seems like a rather weird concept for a film, a little boy has no friends, gets a teddy bear for Christmas and wishes for it to come to life, and then it does. Fast-forward 27 years and they live together and get stoned all day.  It was actually really funny and after about 10 minutes of watching it you forget Ted is actually a computer animated character and get right into it. I recommend you see it. Another film with aweird concept is ‘Hot Tub Time Machine’. In my opinion it’s the most bizarre conceptever, but a work of genius. On the other side of the spectrum you have 'Snakes On A Plane'. No comment needed on that one is there?

In other news I would like to congratulate my good friend Big Wash on successfully completing his first stand-up gig. I’m genuinely gutted to have not been in attendance, and from what I hear he did very well indeed. Those of you who know him will attest that he is a naturally funny and outrageous kind of person, and if he channels as much energy into this as he does editing pictures on Microsoft Paint and delivering letters (he’s a Postman), then he will do very well for himself. Here’s an example of one of Big Wash’s recent works on Paint...






I’ve been out and about round Melbourne quite a lot during the course of this week, just pottering around the city and looking for good photo opportunities. I got a bit over that as there’s only so many times you can take pictures of Flinders St Station and Southbank, so I decided to get a little creative at home. I decided to freeze my watch into ablock of ice and see what it would look like, here’s the result. I call this ‘Freezing Time’. My watch had been sat in the freezer for a good 48 hours and still works like… well, like clockwork.

In other news, I just heard that from September Chris Moyles will no longer be hosting the Radio 1 Breakfast Show. This saddens me greatly. I realise he’s very much like Marmite in that you either love him or hate him, but I think he’s great entertainment. He’s the self-proclaimed saviour of Radio 1 and will be missed.

And finally, I've noticed more and more people doing this in the last few weeks, wearing specs with no lenses in them! Now it does appear to be most common in Asian women under the age of 25. I know people have done it for ages, poking the plastic out of the 3D glasses you get at the cinema and doing it for a laugh. But the people I see doing it around Melbourne are dressed up to the nines and are wearing proper frames, just with no glass in them...and think it looks good. I wear glasses and I generally hate wearing them, so I tend to wear contacts. So, why do these people feel the need to wear shitty frames, strike a pose with the peace sign and shouting "Fujiiii!!"


Holla.