13. Puppy love...

13. 

Puppy love...

Been a bit quiet on the Blog front this week. My apologies, I’ve been somewhat busy. So I’ve managed to secure myself a new full-time job working for an energy company right near where I used to work.  Tell you what, they didn’t half make me jump through a load of hoops to get the job! I hope it’s worthwhile. First it was the telephone interview, then a group assessment consisting of  2 group presentations, 2 role plays, 2 behavioral interview questions, 2 competency based questions, 2 mock calls, an online call centre simulation exercise and online behavioral assessment. Oh, and then 2 reference checks, one from Australia and another from the U.K. and then a full weeks worth of training. I’ll let you know how I get on.

In previous posts I have vented my anger and dislike for cooking. My culinary skills are terrible, and I have never had any desire to enhance them. Well that has kind of changed as of late. I always thought learning to cook was a pointless exercise, why do it when someone else can do it for you, right? Well I’ve had a slight change of stance on the situation and decided that I now quite like it. This week I have made spaghetti bolognaise for the wife and her family, Jamie Oliver’s Pea Soup, Spicy Shepperd's Pie and poached eggs with smashed avocado...all from scratch! Now I know that these aren’t exactly the most challenging or exciting of meals, but you have to start somewhere right?

I have still been making the most of my time away from working and reading a lot. I know I’ve talked a bit about it in the past too, but I just can’t get enough of the Sherlock Holmes novels and short stories. I couldn’t help but notice a lot of similarities between current TV characters and there behaviours, and that of Mr. Holmes & Dr. Watson. One that springs to mind straight away is that of Dr. House and Wilson in House M.D. House is the wild genius, testing out absurd methods of treatment and constantly overly analysing situations and motives, and has someone to pull him back into reality in the form of Wilson. It’s a very similar set-up in the Sherlock novels, with Sherlock being the wild, bohemian genius and Watson is there to try keep him in check. There’s also the comedy aspect of it, having two grown men living together domestically and behaving in the manner you may come to expect of a married couple, as well as pursuing wild adventures together. Also, there’s the drug use, the musical talent of House /Holmes.  I think I may have cracked a case of my own here. House is just a plagiarized version of Sherlock. Genius.

When I first started this Blog I would write down anything remotely interesting I have done each day and then email it to myself so I always had a record of what I’d done and where I’d been. But I forgot to do that this week, so it’s proving a little difficult to remember everything. My memory is terrible at the best of times so this is rather challenging. That’s proof in itself isn’t it? I forgot to write things down so I could remember them in the future? What a moron.

It's Soulja Boys birthday today. I know this because I googled 'celebrity birthday today' and found out. I thought I'd have a quick look to see what Soulja Boy is up to these days, he's been a bit quiet on the musical front lately. Apparently he has his own tablet now. Here's the android powered device which is mounting a 'challenge' against the Apple iPad. Hmmm Good luck with that. "Soulja Boy tell em".

I’m playing my second Futsal match this Sunday. I’ve been doing more running throughout the week to try and improve my fitness as I nearly coughed up a lung after last weeks game. Hopefully we’ll do a bit better than our 7-1 thrashing of last week!

I was reading in bed last night and our peg started to do a bit of sleep-talking. She does this from time to time and it’s generally just a word or two of nonsense and then she goes back to sleep. Last night was a little different we had a full blown conversation. I even made a video, but I think she’d kill me if I put that on here so here is a transcription of said conversation;

A: *incomprehensible mumble*

D: "Alice?"

A: "spaghetti and veg"

D: "spaghetti and veg?"

A: "mmmmm"

D: "what do you want for dessert?"

A: "erm...I dunno... I don't want dessert"

D: "do you want a cup of tea?"

A: *incomprehensible mumble*

D: "Alice?"

A: "what?!...Fuck Off!"

One of the features of using Blogger, the site which hosts my Blog is that it lets you know which country people are reading from. At the moment there’s people reading in the United Kingdom, USA, Australia, Russia, Japan and Germany. How good is the Internet? I can sit here in a small café in Melbourne, type about what’s going on and have people read about it on a completely different continent.

We have had a new addition to the household this week. Our maud’s sister got a new puppy. His name is Theodore Franklin Hicks, AKA Teddy and is a Tibetan Spaniel, here he is…

I’ve just realised today’s Blog doesn’t really include any funny anecdotes, well with the exception of the maud sleep talking. I’m going to put this down to me not writing what’s happened down this week, I’m sure some interesting and funny things have happened, I just can’t remember them. Well, I hope the Blog has still been somewhat interesting to you. As always, feedback is greatly appreciated. Hit me up with suggestions of things you would like to see on here.

Much Love.

12. Mixed Bag...

12.

Mixed Bag...

Hello there one and all. I don't usually Blog on a Sunday but I thought I'd make an exception to that rule today. God might want to have a day off, but I don't.

I went to some natural hot springs on Friday. Me and our peg got up at like 7.00am and drove there as we wanted to enjoy it when it wasn't too busy. It's pretty good to be honest with you, very picturesque, out in the middle of nowhere and pretty relaxing. Basically you just pop your swim shorts (or bikini) on, get a robe on and have a wander around the different pools that are there and chill out in them. I usually hate really hot water, like when you jump in the shower after your girlfriend and jump out with 3rd degree burns because it's a good 10 degrees hotter than it needs to be, but you get used to it. The water in the pools was between 36-42 degrees, and when you first get in there it does feel properly hot, but after that most of them feel around the same temperature. Well, that's what I thought until I got in the 42 degrees pool and got out looking sunburned from the waist down. 

After spending a couple of hours pottering around in my robe and thongs (flip-flops) it was off to go see the towns nearby. We visited a few seaside towns called Rye, Portsea and Sorrento, had a walk along the main streets and stopped for some fish and chips. Not really much going on in a small seaside town in the middle of Winter as it happens, unless you run in to the worlds most enthusiastic information guide. We spent a good 15 minutes in this wooden hut whilst she proceeded to tell us about the fantastic enchanted maze, local strawberry farms and the best place to see glass art and sent us on our way with no less than 7 brochures covering these activities. Enthralling stuff I assure you.

Today was my first game playing for my new 'Futsal' team. I don't know why it has been given a ridiculous name, it's just 5-a-side indoor football with a weighted ball. Well anyway, it turned out to be pretty good. I managed to set up our only goal as we got thrashed 7-1, it sounds pretty bad but to be fair we were playing the team that are top of the league and we had 4 new players. Better luck next time. 

Our peg has also decided that I don't have enough to do these days and has taken to writing me lists of things I must complete. It's bad enough when she writes me a shopping list for the supermarket, that usually takes me 20 minutes longer than your average woman to complete. Here it is.

Inspired by the LAD Bible I have added her a list at the bottom. I don't think she will appreciate it as she saw me with a pen and thought I was crossing things off the list she made for me, and proceeded to praise me. LAD. 

And finally, I was sat thinking on the tram the other day, and this is where I come up with my general rants against the world. My most recent in these rants is when people say; "There's nothing worse than that is there?", and it's generally about something that can be slightly annoying like toothache, or when a pen runs out. Is there really nothing worse than that? What about getting mugged? Or raped? Or marrying Tom Cruise? Surely they would be considered by most normal people as being worse? Next time you go to utter that sentence, why don't you actually take a second and think, is there really nothing worse than that?

Peace out girl scout.

11. Arty Farty...

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10. Elementary my dear...

Elementary my dear...

I've had a lot of shit to deal with this last week. And I mean that in a very literal sense. I looked through the back window the other day and spotted 4 ducks in the garden, and thought to myself "well isn't that nice, four little ducks, just wandering around the garden, minding their own business, having a dip in the pool". How wrong I was! I left the ducks to their own devices whilst I headed out for the afternoon, and upon my return found a garden full of duck shit. I then had the pleasure of spending the next 30 minutes with a brush and hose pipe clearing up the droppings produced from their bottoms. Inspired by this, I thought I would use my trusty friend, the Internet, to find ways of admiring ducks up close without the worry of having excrement spread everywhere. Ingenious.

I had a brief Skype encounter with my friends Stuart and Dave. It's quite hard to have a proper conversation when I was bog-eyed on a Sunday morning at 8.30am and they're chugging down their alcoholic beverages on a Saturday evening at 11.30pm, whilst trying to train their eyes and ears on Stuart's little iPod. I gave them a little treat by tucking my tail between my legs and unexpectedly showing them my 'mangina'. I think it's safe to say they thoroughly enjoyed it. If you're unsure as to what a 'Mangina' looks like, just Google it.


I've spent quite a bit of time reading this week and have just finished 'A Study in Scarlet' By Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the first of the Sherlock Holmes novels. I was intrigued to see how good the books are as I love the film adaptations by Guy Ritchie, and was pleasantly surprised. I had always heard people praise them, but a lot of people praise the likes of Billy Shakespeare. Now he's a clever enough bloke The Bard and he wrote a few plays and what not, but to be honest I don't have a clue what he's on about half the time. Some of the Sherlock stories were written when Queen Victoria was still on the throne and the Titanic was still afloat, so some of the language is a little different, but you get the gist of it and it makes for a very entertaining read. I imagine it's a bit better than that '50 shades' nonsense that's going about anyway.

I was out and about in the city again the other day, one of my favourite past times it would appear, and came across this bizarre display of artwork in a shopping centre. I couldn't find an explanation as to what it was, but it looked pretty cool. 

Because I have plenty of time on my hands these days, I tend to read a lot of news on the Internet to entertain myself and often come across stupid and weird stories, and today was no different. An item that made the 'Strange' section of the Sky News website was a story of a human domino chain in China. This was a world record breaking event in which 1001 people took part and involved standing in a line with a mattress and waiting to be knocked over. Now I know that I'm hardly an advert for productivity, but what the F is this all about? Click Here to watch.


I went for drinks with some of my old work colleagues at the weekend and after they had left I struck up a conversation with a man whom proceeded to tell me all about the 'art' of prostitution and where to find the best women. I had no knowledge in this area going into the conversation, nor did I wish to, but he insisted on bequeathing me with this information. I left feeling slightly more knowledgeable and very much disturbed.


Sha-ting!

9. Video Killed The Radio Star...

Video Killed The Radio Star...

So it’s been a somewhat uninspiring week. I’ve sat down at least 3 times to write this blog at home and keep getting distracted, so I’ve ventured out to a café for a coffee and a muffin in attempt to find some inspiration. And then I discovered they had free Wi-Fi here and have been distracted once more...



I watched Ted the other night. Now it seems like a rather weird concept for a film, a little boy has no friends, gets a teddy bear for Christmas and wishes for it to come to life, and then it does. Fast-forward 27 years and they live together and get stoned all day.  It was actually really funny and after about 10 minutes of watching it you forget Ted is actually a computer animated character and get right into it. I recommend you see it. Another film with aweird concept is ‘Hot Tub Time Machine’. In my opinion it’s the most bizarre conceptever, but a work of genius. On the other side of the spectrum you have 'Snakes On A Plane'. No comment needed on that one is there?

In other news I would like to congratulate my good friend Big Wash on successfully completing his first stand-up gig. I’m genuinely gutted to have not been in attendance, and from what I hear he did very well indeed. Those of you who know him will attest that he is a naturally funny and outrageous kind of person, and if he channels as much energy into this as he does editing pictures on Microsoft Paint and delivering letters (he’s a Postman), then he will do very well for himself. Here’s an example of one of Big Wash’s recent works on Paint...






I’ve been out and about round Melbourne quite a lot during the course of this week, just pottering around the city and looking for good photo opportunities. I got a bit over that as there’s only so many times you can take pictures of Flinders St Station and Southbank, so I decided to get a little creative at home. I decided to freeze my watch into ablock of ice and see what it would look like, here’s the result. I call this ‘Freezing Time’. My watch had been sat in the freezer for a good 48 hours and still works like… well, like clockwork.

In other news, I just heard that from September Chris Moyles will no longer be hosting the Radio 1 Breakfast Show. This saddens me greatly. I realise he’s very much like Marmite in that you either love him or hate him, but I think he’s great entertainment. He’s the self-proclaimed saviour of Radio 1 and will be missed.

And finally, I've noticed more and more people doing this in the last few weeks, wearing specs with no lenses in them! Now it does appear to be most common in Asian women under the age of 25. I know people have done it for ages, poking the plastic out of the 3D glasses you get at the cinema and doing it for a laugh. But the people I see doing it around Melbourne are dressed up to the nines and are wearing proper frames, just with no glass in them...and think it looks good. I wear glasses and I generally hate wearing them, so I tend to wear contacts. So, why do these people feel the need to wear shitty frames, strike a pose with the peace sign and shouting "Fujiiii!!"


Holla.

8. 'Insert Funny Title Here'

'Insert Funny Title Here'

Firstly, unlucky Andy Murray. You fought valiantly. But you lost. So you've been demoted from British back to Scottish until you win something.


So I've decided to do the blog 3 times a week, it's a bit much having to sit down everyday and come up with something to write. I'm a busy man, don't you know. And for those of you who do take the time out of your busy day to read this, thanks again. Unless you're unemployed, then this is probably a great time filler if you get bored.


I've had an interesting few days to be honest with you. Yesterday (Sunday), I received a reply from the author Danny Wallace. I don't know if you know his work, but he's responsible for 'Yes Man' and many other books. I'd shot him an email to tell him that his book had inspired me in the past, and is part of the reason I'm now in Melbourne, and he replied with this...

I strongly recommend you read some of his work if you ever get the chance, he's a bit mad and extremely witty.

I also decided to go for a walk on Sunday as my back was causing me a bit of aggro, and my chiro advised me to keep moving to ease the pain. Sound advice as it worked, so that's why I'm paying him $4.05 a minute! I decided to stop off for coffee and lunch on my travels and had a hearty chic pea, zucchini and tomato soup. Very snazzy indeed, although it was actually hotter than the surface of the sun. Would have much preferred a heinze minestrone, but that wasn't on the menu unfortunately. 


I met up with a friend I used to work with in a coffee/bookshop today for a good old catch up, which was nice. I'd never been in a book shop which doubled up as a cafe, so the concept seemed quite foreign to me, but it was cool and they did the worlds best banana bread. After coffee I met up with our peg and she agreed to model for a picture I wanted to try get, see below;

Getting quite into the old photography again these days, god bless being unemployed.


I found myself cooking again tonight, this one was a bit of a joint effort with our peg, but I found myself slightly enjoying it. Don't tell her like, she'll have me cooking every night of the week.


And finally, I don't know if any of you have seen this in the news, but some Jordanian chaps where having a bit of an argument on some TV show the other day, they started to get a bit fired up, and then one of them pulls a bloody gun out! In what world is it a good idea to pull a gun out and threaten someone...on camera! At least wait until the shows finished and pop into his dressing room when no one is looking and pop a cap in his ass there. What a wally. Watch Here


Roger. Over.

7. Gods Day of Rest

7. Gods Day of Rest

Sunday is God's day of rest, and mine too. No blog today.

6. Just a number

Day 6.

Just a number

Well it has been a very average Saturday if I do say so. I had the pleasure of doing a 4.30am airport run to start off the day and got straight back into bed afterwards. I also decided to venture into the city to purchase a tripod for my camera and test it out with some night time photography. I quite like to wonder around Melbourne taking snaps, even more so now I have a tripod. Here's one of my shots;

The view from Southbank

One of my favourite things about commuting in Melbourne is the free paper, back home it's the Metro and here it's the MX. The MX has a great section call 'overheard' which features witty or stupid things people have heard other people say on the trains, trams and busses. I have to say one of todays was a cracker... 


"And then I want to go down to South America and do like Spain, Rio, Brazil. All those places" 


Speaking of trams, and stupid things people say, our peg asked me the other day how much petrol it would take to run a tram, and then realised they run on electricity. Doh!

I was listening to my iPod on random and 'Hey, Soul Sister' by Train came on (god knows why that's on there). I then started to wonder how old the lead singer was, because I remember they did that song 'Drops of Jupiter', but that was years ago. So anyway, it turns out his name is Patrick Monahan and he is 43 years old so that puts him on a par with Marilyn Manson, Uncle Buck, Jay Z and Shaggy (wuznt me).


And lastly, I'm no longer dog sitting and have had to leave my little canine friend Milly behind. This saddens me greatly, well, apart from having to pick up steaming hot dog shit 5 times a day. But on a brighter note, there shall be a Tibetan Spaniel entering the household shortly, whom I shall befriend instantly.




Stay Safe.

5. Simplici-tea

Day 5.

Simplici-tea

I am a simple man with simple tastes, and I enjoy no taste more than a good cup of tea. I took Milly, the dog I've been watching, for a walk around the park today and fancied a good cup of tea and a chocolate digestive afterwards. I started to browse the cupboards for tea bags and stumbled across a variety of teas. Now I'm well aware there's quite a few different types of tea, for instance; English Breakfast/Earl Grey/Green Tea/etc. But then, just as I was about to reach for the PG Tips, I stumbled across this in the cupboard...

That's right, the good folks at Twinings have come up with this absurd concoction, the Russian Caravan. What on Gods green Earth is this all about? This led me to query what other weird and wonderful teas are out there, so I hit up the Twinings website for some research and came across the likes of; Lapsang Souchong/Ceylon Orange Pekoe and even a Prince Of Wales variety. The world has gone mental, just stick with tea, 2 sugars and a drop of milk.

In other news, I booked my Fiji holiday at long last. Seven nights in the glorious 5* Westin Denerau for me and the maud to look forward to. It was quite a painful process to get this done, not because it took a great amount of time or effort, if anything it took very little time and effort, it was more the endless nonsense you have to contend with in a travel agents. My travel agent comes out with phrases like "Let me have a squiz at that for you" and "Insurance is insurance, you know?". 

In other travel news I'm heading back up to Sydney again in a few weeks for my good friend Nathan's 21st Birthday celebrations. I'm still trying to win him over and make it a Disney princess themed party, but he seems pretty adamant it's just a 'normal night out'. Pussy. 

And on a final note, I would like to thank you all for reading and want to let you know this will be my last blog. I have been offered a position at the New York Times and fly out there in September. Your support and dedication through this 5 day journey will always be in my heart. And then I woke up... 

No, but seriously this thing has had like 350 hits in under a week so thanks for reading.

Stay Trashy.

4. I feel like chicken tonight...

Day 4.

I feel like chicken tonight...

Day 4 of the blog and it seems to be going well, there's been over 200 page views on it so far. Thanks for reading and dare I say it...enjoying?

Today I have been left with the arduous task of cooking. I absolutely hate cooking. Anything that takes more than 10 minutes to cook, and when I say cook I actually mean microwave, is a waste of time to me. Don't get me wrong I love a good meal, but I just can't find the enthusiasm to actually do it myself and would much rather pay someone to do it. I've decided to keep it simple; chicken and vegetable skewers, home-made potato wedges and a little salad (see above). Jamie Oliver eat my nuts.

I was again out shopping today. Some people think I have an addiction, but this one was a necessity. Well, I say necessity, I actually just wanted some new boots. My mate Big Wash describes me as a "single, white female addicted to retail". I'm fairly confident this is a Kanye West lyric, but I reckon he's going to claim it as his own. During my shopping trip I was approached by a woman who was trying to get me to sign up to a store card, and it turned out she was from Billinge. We had the whole...

"Where are you from?"

'Manchester'

"Oh I'm from Manchester too! Where a bouts?" 

'Wigan'

"Oh I'm from Wigan too! Where a bouts?"

'Golborne'

"Oh... I'm from Billinge... oh well ducky, have a nice day"

She looked properly disappointed when I told her I was from Golborne. I don't know if it was because she wanted me to be from Billinge too, or she just didn't like Golborne. Another thing I picked up on my shopping trip is how overly friendly the shop assistants are here, as soon as you walk in a store they're all like "Hey, how you going? How's your day been? What are you shopping for today? Do you have much planned for the day?". The first time I experienced this I didn't know if she was trying to help me pick clothes, or just pick me up. Anyway, It's most annoying. 

My maud is a nanny to 3 little boys, and for some reason (unbeknownst to me) they think I'm the best thing since sliced bread. One of them decided to draw a picture of me today...

I don't know if I'm trying to smoke 7 cigarettes at the same time or trying to balance all my shopping bags. Or both. Very observant kids these days.

On a final note, I shall be booking my holiday to Fiji tomorrow. I'm heading out there for 7 days at the end of August to avoid the terrible Melbourne weather. For those (if any) of you that are reading this in England and have the same misconception that I had, that Australia is 365 days of sun, it's not. Melbourne is cold, wet and windy at the moment and I will be glad to get me some sun!

Stay Classy Brassy.

3. If you don't have anything smart to say...

Day 3.

If you don't have anything smart to say...

Day 3 of the blog and I don't really now what to write about today. So I'll leave it here. Thanks.

Only joking. I have again made the most of unemployment and ventured out with the woman. We embarked upon Chapel Street, one Melbourne's popular shopping districts, to check out the Topshop / Topman sale, which turned out to be ridiculously overpriced when compared to the UK store. Chapel Street is also the home of the worlds best burrito, fact.

Next on the list was a fly-by visit to my previous workplace to see a man about a dog. I was by no way partaking in any illegal activities, especially any involving the purchase of 'back of the lorry' goods which failed to materialise, which is probably for the best.

Last on the list of activities was a supermarket shop, a visit the travel agent and a well deserved coffee and macaron (I Googled the spelling, it's correct). I don't understand people's obsession with sweet things. I hardly ever crave something sweet, unless it's Christmas and there's a selection box or some Quality Street knocking about. 

I found a great new way of entertaining myself today whilst annoying others in the process, most notably the woman. It involves me speaking with an American accent in public for long periods of time, and several decibels louder than my usual tone. Try it out for yourself, the effects are most satisfying.

On a final note, I watched The Dark Knight today in preparation for the third instalment of The Batman Trilogy and remembered how good Heath Ledger was in his role as The Joker, and then I remembered he was part of the famous '27 club'...or so I thought. It turns out this elite club of deceased is purely for artists and musicians, is it just me that was completely unaware of this? What a rip. I thought it was for all the celebrities who had all passed away at 27. (www.the27club.net)

Stay Classy.

2. Back to basics

Day 2.

Back to basics 

So this is day 2 of 'blogging'. I've got a mate who would read this and he'd think it was the most pretentious thing in the world, although if he did it, it would probably be the coolest. 

So today I've ventured out of the house and gone to see my chiropractor, Nam. I think he's Thai, or Malaysian, but he does have a perfect Australian accent which I find to be quite confusing. It's not the most absurd thing in the world, but it's like when you meet a Pakistani Scotsman, or when I found out the lead singer from Block Party was black (and gay). These aren't racist or derogatory statements, it's just sometimes you have a preconceived idea of what someone will be like purely by their appearance or the sound of their voice, and sometimes you get something completely different. Anyway, I digress. 

It would appear that I have a few misaligned bones which are pushing on a nerve and causing quite a bit of pain, I told him my girlfriend does the same thing because she can sometimes get on my nerves and cause pain... he didn't laugh. 

So I spent 11 minutes in the chiropractors office which cost me $45 for the privilege, on that basis he makes $4.05 per minute. I thought I would investigate Nams' income a little further. I have found that over the following periods of time, Nam generates enough money to purchase the following. 

• One year $510,545 - this would get you 2 Tickets onto a Virgin Galactic flight into outer space.

• Ten years $5,105,454 - this would get you Nicholas Cage's mansion in the Hollywood Hills.

I think you will agree that Nam could do pretty well for himself if he keeps up his speedy service and current pricing.

And lastly, I was commuting on Melbournes finest Metro service today and spotted an old man lighting up a cigarette on the train, having two or three drags and then extinguishing it as if it was the most normal thing in the world. Maybe back in his day when "prices were fair and politicians were honest" this was acceptable, but mate, it's 2012! You can't just go around smoking on public transport as and when you see fit!

Stay Classy.